Sunday, January 11, 2009

Oh Boy

I'm trying to figure out what it is that keeps me eating things that I know aren't good for me. Fear? Loneliness? Boredom? Maybe a little bit of each.

I just finished reading Skinny Bitch and was pleasantly surprised. This book wasn't at all what I'd expected. It promoted a vegan, organic lifestyle. I'm already vegetarian and I'm trying to incorporate more of the vegan aspects into my life. And I made a decision a few days ago to begin slowly transitioning to organic, including all natural beauty products. Inside of just going whole hog, I'll replace items as I run out of them, with natural, organic substitutes. I'm trying to be more green these days, so not only do I think this will be healthier for me, but will be healthier for the world.

So, anyway, back to my original thought - why am I eating like I am? These two things actually do tie in together. I went shopping yesterday with the intention of looking for some snack items that were mentioned in Skinny Bitch. I found a few things and brought them home and almost immediately ate a good chunk of all of them. Then tonight after having a massive migraine all day, ordered pizza, that quite honestly I couldn't even really afford. I'm at a loss. Maybe I'm scared that if I lose weight, I really will have to move on from all the relationship heartache I've suffered the past several months. Maybe I'm scared that if I lose weight, I might actually meet someone else and that someone else could hurt me all over again. Hmm. I know my fat is my shield against the world. But guess what? I'm so tired of being shielded. I'm ready to get out there and live my damn life, good and bad!

Everything just feels so chaotic and disheveled. I want peace and harmony.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Not Gonna Lie

I'm eating the remainder of a bag of milk chocolate chips as I type this. I can pretty much target the reasons as to why I'm eating them, but I can't seem to stop myself anyway. I have a meeting tomorrow at work that I feel ill prepared for and I'm dreading it. Add to that a good chunk of loneliness and some frustration and sadness over a potential friendship that is not going the way I'd like it to. I was already eating those fuckers before I checked my bank account only to find out that I'm $60 off in the bank's favor and can't figure out where my mistake is anywhere. Ugh.

So...the chocolate chips are gone now. Do I feel any better? No. I just have a gross, plaquey feeling in my mouth. So I'm going to drink this bottle of water, try and finish reading Confessions of a Carb Queen and watch the season premiere of Biggest Loser before going to bed and starting anew tomorrow. No, starting anew right this moment. :)

Sunday, January 4, 2009

The End of My Vacation

So I've been on vacation the past two weeks from work. I believe I've mentioned before (or maybe I haven't) that I'm a third grade teacher. For the most part, I did pretty well. I worked out everyday, except for Friday. I took Friday off, because I've been so sore that my body was begging me for a break. The old me would have felt very guilty about that, but mostly I just resigned myself to it and said, "I need this break!" And it was back on the treadmill yesterday.

So I listen to two podcasts that I've found EXTREMELY helpful. One is Inside Out Weight Loss by Renee Stephens. The other is Yell At Your Fat by Wendy someone. hehe I hope these are the right links. If not, I will check and update ASAP. I'm still figuring out this whole blogger thing and how to add links and whatnot, so this is a work in progress.

About these two podcasts...Inside Out Weight Loss or IOWL is focused on the behaviors behind weight gain and weight loss. It's opened my eyes to a lot of things about why I do the things I do. I love it. I love listening to's like going home whenever I hear Renee's voice. LOL Seriously, it is. Cheesy, though that may be. It actually took me a couple of episodes to get into. It's kinda new agey, but I find it soothing and helpful.

Yell at Your Fat is freaking awesome. It's funny and entertaining, as well as informative and motivational.

I highly recommend them both.

As for other things I can currently of the books that Wendy recommends on her website is Skinny Bitch. And I wish I could remember the authors names. I'm currently reading it. Great sense of humour...though in a mean way.

As for me...I'm still hovering right at 260. I guess I let myself splurge a little too much during the holidays. I went grocery shopping last week and have some loose menu plans in mind, so I'm doing better. It helps that I pretty much have become a hermit in my own city, due to an ex-girlfriend that lives close by and that I totally don't want to run into. LOL Yes, this is one of many items I'm working on in therapy. I'll get over it eventually.